Duck For Cover & Other Tales - Barbara Venkataraman

Duck For Cover & Other Tales by Barbara Venkataraman

Book excerpt

A Dish Best Served Cold

Howard tracked the horrible smell to the farthest corner of his yard. It was a dead skunk, the only thing that smelled worse than a live one. He was sure Mack had tossed it over the fence to piss him off and his first instinct was to toss the carcass back, but he decided against it. Good fences don't always make good neighbors, he thought, but they do keep me from punching mine in the face. Their longstanding feud had been simmering for a while and now it was about to boil over. Retaliation was Howard's specialty and he relished it.

"Jake!" he hollered to his son. "Get your lazy self out here. Bring a shovel."

The boy didn't dare keep his father waiting and soon appeared dragging a shovel that was too heavy for him. He looked younger than his ten years with his slender build, pale complexion, and scrawny legs scraped in a recent bike accident. When he saw the putrid skunk he cringed, enraging his father.

"You're too damn soft, Jake! All you do is play video games—it's your mother's fault. That's why you live with me now."

Struggling to hoist the shovel the boy muttered "I'd rather live with my Mom." What he thought was I hate you.

Howard laughed which did nothing to improve his cruel features. "Your mother didn't fight hard enough for you, kid, and her lawyer was a hack, so suck it up. Don't give me attitude or you'll regret it."

He returned to the house leaving Jake to his odious task. Sipping a cold beer, his first of the morning, Howard made a list of the many ways he could burn Mack, anonymously, of course. His cell rang but when he saw it was his ex-wife he turned it off. Maria needed to learn who was boss. Hint: it wasn't her. He knew she had telephone privileges with Jake but he could always say he hadn't heard it. What could she do about it? Absolutely nothing. She left him one of her cryptic voicemails: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. His ex-wife was a religious nut and he blamed that wacko church group she hung out with. Who goes to Bible Study five times a week?

An hour later, Jake came back in, filthy and exhausted. "Did my mom call?"

"Nope," Howard lied. "Take a shower, son, you reek."

After his third beer Howard's plan to exact revenge on his neighbor had taken shape. There were several stages, each one an escalation of the one before. Starting with the fun stuff, he applied for a credit card in Mack's name and went on a buying spree. He ordered every magazine and newspaper he could think of, set up appointments with home improvement companies to come to his neighbor's house, and asked the Jehovah's Witnesses to pay Mack a visit. He called phone sex lines and charged it to the card after ensuring the bills would go to Mack's house for his wife to see.

The following week, Howard heard his neighbors arguing loudly through his open window and laughed with delight. He walked out into his yard to better enjoy the show but immediately started gagging. This time, there were a dozen rotting skunks scattered all over. Howard was so furious he thought he might stroke out. He didn't bother to call Jake. Instead, he grabbed the shovel and hurled every last one of them over the fence as hard as he could. Several of them landed in Mack's pool with a satisfying splash. That night, Howard dressed in black and sneaked over to Mack's house where he proceeded to flatten the tires on both cars. For good measure, he siphoned all the gas too.

The next morning, the police knocked on his door to ask him about the skunks and the damage to the cars. He made up an alibi, dragged Jake out of bed to gain sympathy, and they eventually went away. At noon, Mack showed up and banged on the front door screaming obscenities but Howard ignored him. Cowering in a corner, Jake asked if he could call his mother. Howard ignored him too.

It was time to jump to phase two of his plan. Howard went online and set up dozens of fake email addresses before going on Yelp to leave scathing reviews of Mack's hardware store. Howard was so consumed with his scheme that he called in sick to work that week and barely paid attention to Jake, who was living off peanut butter sandwiches and playing video games non-stop. Mack had stopped leaving angry messages on Howard's voicemail and had hired a lawyer to send threatening letters demanding he cease his harassment. As Howard was throwing the lawyer's unopened letters in the trash he saw candy wrappers.

Quaking with rage, he confronted Jake. "Where did you get the candy?"

Defiant, the boy said he bought it. Howard slapped him in the face.

"Don't lie to me! Where did you get it?" he demanded.

In a quavering voice, Jake replied "Mom gave it to me. I rode my bike to the park and she was there."

With a newfound calmness his father said. "You're grounded. No more bike rides for you."

Jake stormed off to his room but didn't dare slam the door.

The next day, child services called to ask why Jake wasn't in school but Howard let it go to voicemail. In the afternoon, Maria showed up at his door but he pretended not to be home. After she had gone he found a note taped to the front door that said: The meek shall inherit the earth. He tore it up.

Crazed with alcohol and irrational revenge fantasies Howard was totally consumed with taking down his perceived enemy. That afternoon, he rented a bulldozer to knock down Mack's house while he was at work even though he had never operated heavy machinery in his life. By the time the bulldozer was delivered Howard was drunk and paid scant attention to the instructions or the strong warnings about the dangers. He gleefully hopped onto the bulldozer and started it up. After mashing the gears in every direction Howard was jerked forward and fell off his perch into the street where he was promptly crushed. Hoisted with his own petard, as Shakespeare would say.

That evening, Jake's mother showed up with a social worker to pick up her son. After a joyful reunion they packed up his things and started the drive home.

In the car, Maria turned to her beloved child and gave him a gentle smile. "Jake, you know that God helps those who help themselves, right?"

Jake looked at his mother, bewildered. "Sure, I guess so."

"What I'm trying to say is I'm very sorry about the skunk."

The Yes Man

Unopened boxes are stacked on every chair; magazines blanket the dining room table. Athletes, celebrities, and fashion icons on glossy covers watch as I shove their magazines onto the floor. After giving them a solid kick for good measure I rip open one of the boxes to find last year's collection of Southern Cooking recipes.

"What the hell, Dad?" I show him the cookbook.

He just smiles and shrugs. Of course he does. Senility has embraced him like a happy drunk, erasing his crabbiness and impatience and somehow transferring them to me. I dig through the piles of mail until I find confirmation that my dad has indeed subscribed to enough magazines to open a newsstand and enough cookbooks to audition for Food Network. Cookbooks are as useful to my dad as a subscription to Teen Vogue or Western Horseman, which he now also has. In my fifty years I'd never seen him cook anything except a scrambled egg and now he couldn't even do that because his range was shut off. The assisted living facility blamed the insurance company's fear of fire, and their aversion to writing big fat checks. My internal monologue is interrupted by a text from my friend Lena.

We're grabbing dinner at the new Mexican place, you in?

Sounds fun but I'm taking care of my dad's latest misadventure. Next time, promise.

Taking a deep breath, I call the magazine/cookbook subscription center. I plan to be courteous but things go downhill fast.

"I need to cancel all of these subscriptions," I say, "and you need to remove every single charge."

"May I ask why?"

"I'll tell you why. You took advantage of an elderly man with obvious dementia. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm ashamed for you. How do you sleep at night? There's a special place in hell—"

"No problem," he says. "I cancelled them. As a family member, you can also participate in these special offers—"

"—Are you seriously trying to sell me something right now?"

"This offer is good until midnight—"