The Insanity Machine - Living With Paranoid Schizophrenia

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Book excerpt

Chapter 1: Our Stories

“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?” - Robert Browning

(or woman's - our note)

Religious delusions are common symptoms of schizophrenia. Kenna McKinnon's illness was somewhat typical in this respect. The year was 1975; the year of the demons when her schizophrenia first began to make itself evident.

Kenna Wild (Kenna) huddled in the corner of her rented townhouse, leafing through the pages of an old Bible that screamed obscenities at her. She was sure the Devil was in the room. Nothing made sense. A pile of laundry in the kitchen had writhed and turned into snakes. Music from a tape on the stereo mocked her with vulgar rhymes. She recalled a muddy and torn comic book she had found on the street one fall. It concerned a youth group investigating a demonic church, and had instructions for such an event.

Kenna glanced down at the Bible in her hands. She opened it at random, where it fell open to Revelations 3:20. “Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him and dine with him and he with me…” The phrase had been underlined in red by the teacher who had given Kenna the book as a child, and the words flashed at her now like a neon sign. It was the only verse which made sense. The young woman felt a sense of sudden elation. Perhaps there was a way from the Pit, from the driving presence of the Devil within her? “Jesus Christ, save my soul,” Kenna said out loud.

The Bible lay open in her hands. She felt a sense of calm. Hesitantly at first, she leafed through the book, reading first one verse then another. The words fell into place, all making sense, all with a surety of strength and power that Kenna knew would overcome the evil Forces within her soul.

At various times Kenna would bless a glass of water from the kitchen tap and sprinkle this “Holy Water” on the chest of an invisible Devil standing in the room next to her. She saw the drops of water bounce off the Devil's chest. At other times, she would walk barefoot and coatless in the snow outside her townhouse, seeing the Devil's mocking face in the clouds above, and hordes of demons following Him through the sky. The Devil wore a classic goatee and horns, but with the most sensuous mouth Kenna had ever seen. She knew that mouth had sucked at her on many nights when she lay half asleep in her bed, attacked by demons and the Devil himself.

So it began. The nightmare of mental illness. A caring acquaintance called a psychologist at Student Counseling Services at the University of Alberta in 1975 where Kenna was a graduating student that year. Kenna received counseling once a week for two to three years, but remained unmedicated for that period of time, frightened, violent at times, and increasingly ill.

In 1978 Kenna was in trouble with the law for uttering threats and trespassing. She was sent to the Forensic Unit of Alberta Hospital Edmonton, a forensic psychiatric institution, where she was diagnosed for the first time with paranoid schizophrenia. Psychotropic medication at that time was in its infancy. She received an antidepressant as well as a tranquilizer and Chlorpromazine, another major tranquilizer, with side effects so severe that she could not get a fork or cup to her mouth without spilling due to the shaking of her hands. She could not climb stairs due to dizziness and fatigue resulting from the heavy doses of medication she was given.

After her release, neighbors would take her to picnics and Kenna would fall asleep on the picnic table, being unable to stay awake for more than half an hour at a time. She continued to drive her car (a neon green Dodge frighteningly called a Demon). One day she drove out to the country at a high speed with the intent to crash her car into a cliff. Listening to a sympathetic DJ and music on the car radio calmed her, and she drove home without incident. She was at frequent risk of suicide at that time, on another occasion lining up her pills and bottles of wine with lethal intent, rescued by a friend she had the foresight to call.

Kenna's husband had died in 1971. She was left with two small children who were forced to move often during their childhood due to Kenna's instability. She raised the children as well as she could but with difficulty, and they were intermittently cared for by friends and family.

Kenna began smoking and abusing alcohol in 1978. She quit smoking the summer of 1985. She quit drinking alcohol in June 1993. Without these interventions, she is certain she would be dead by now.

She is also certain her children bear the scars of living with the years of their mother's mental illness. She didn't abuse them physically but now feels keenly their emotional and physical neglect by her at that time.

An unhappy marriage followed in 1982, terminated by divorce in 1987. Kenna and her children lived in rented apartments thereafter, and she worked as much as possible throughout those difficult years. Her daughter left home after graduation from high school at age 17 and put herself through University with Distinction. Kenna's son attended NAIT and received a diploma in Telecommunications while working full-time as well. Her son lived at home with Kenna during that time.

One night he came home and found Kenna had thrown all his records and most of the canned goods in the home into the dumpster. They had come from the Devil, she said. Her son patiently explained that Kenna was free to throw away her own possessions if she wished, but please to leave his alone. He rescued what he could from the dumpster that night.

Her children, friends and neighbors and frequent appointments with a psychiatrist and other professionals were to be her major sources of emotional support. A minister and counselors told Kenna she would never work again, and that she would be in and out of psychiatric institutions for the rest of her life. She was told by her psychiatrist that “coping” was all she could hope for. Kenna fought - she was a fighter - and today has proven those predictions wrong. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs was a dream for her in those days; she yearned to be self-actualized. It could happen. And it did.

Fast forward to 2012. Kenna is self-supporting through a home based medical transcription business which she began in 1999. She has lived alone in the same rented studio suite since 2005. Her children are adults. The eldest child was given up for adoption when Kenna was 17 years old. He found her through an adoption finder's agency in Lethbridge in 2001, completing her life. Kenna therefore has three children and three grandsons. She considers herself a successful mother, having raised two children who are independent, happy, successful adults who give back to society; and a third delightful young man who lived a better life than she could have given him at the time.

The children are most important and then work, friendships and hobbies. Kenna's articles, poems, and a play have been published in numerous journals. Two books have been released, an anthology of poetry called DISCOVERY-An Anthology of Poetry, published by Authors for a Cause, and SPACEHIVE, her first young adult sci-fi novel first published by Imajin Books and now by Creativia. Both are available on Amazon.com.

She enjoys caricaturing friends and family and making her own greeting cards. Her brother gives her hints on how to play her acoustic guitar. She practices physical fitness and has a mini-gym at home in her small suite. She has several good friends. Her business is successful. She has written four novels throughout the past 25 years.

Kenna has been receiving a depot injection of Fluanxol every two to three weeks since 1991, and her mood is stable. She was last hospitalized in 1990 when she quit taking her (oral) medications at the time, and the old delusions and obsessions re-surfaced. Her psychiatrist retired in the mid-1990s and did not refer her to another psychiatrist. She sporadically obtained therapy from psychiatric nurses and finally, an RN, through a mental health clinic. Her family physician continued to prescribe Fluanxol and then Celexa as well, and she obtained depot injections through the medical clinic at which her family doctor worked. Most of the time, for the past 35 years, Kenna struggled on her own with the help of psychotropic medications and occasional therapy.

The medications and therapists, although entreated, were unable to allay underlying delusions involving control and obsessions Kenna was powerless to understand or completely resist.

These symptoms were to hound her and disrupt the lives of children, family and close friends intermittently since the illness first became apparent in 1975. But there is hope. A new psychiatrist; several resolving issues from the past; a new serendipitous antidepressant medication (Celexa), which she took for the treatment of Seasonal Affective Disorder in the winter of 2009 and repeated in the winter of 2010. Celexa apparently also treats the delusions and obsessions which had tortured her for 35 years, making them more manageable and eventually they almost disappeared.

In time, a new psychiatrist, a clever woman who figured out the significance of the Celexa, offered to take Kenna as a patient. Perhaps Kenna's delusions could have been helped or alleviated years ago? No matter, they weren't and the universe is now running as it should. Kenna has only hope for the future.

Now she is sure that this is the best year of her life and a prelude to even better times, life and love as well as joy in living.

Kenna was interviewed in November 2010 by the editor of Grey Matters, the newsletter of the Schizophrenia Society of Alberta. An excerpt follows.

When were you diagnosed with schizophrenia? Could you tell us a bit about that time?

“I was diagnosed in 1978 but started to show symptoms in 1975 when I was a student at the University of Alberta. I graduated with Distinction with a BA in 1975. I had wanted to go on and take a PhD but couldn't continue because of my illness. I took some more courses as a special student after I graduated, but became very ill in 1976.

“I went untreated for two or three years, unmedicated, frightened, and violent. I got into trouble with the law due to many delusions which turned into an obsession which has only recently been allayed. I have never had auditory hallucinations other than thinking I heard a radio playing Hawaiian music for a few weeks when I was in a psych unit. I used to have visual hallucinations when I was unmedicated.

“I was admitted to the forensic unit of Alberta Hospital in 1978 and was in and out of hospital for approximately one year. I worked as well as I could. My first husband had died in 1970. I had two small children, who were cared for by relatives and my brother and his wife at various times, but for most of the time I was able to care for them except when I was acutely ill. I worked as a temporary research assistant for a couple of years during the early 1980s then got a job as a secretary to the Director in a hospital setting, where I stayed for five years.

“During the early 1980s I married again and was divorced five or six years later. I continued working at the hospital setting until 1988 or 1989 then worked at the University of Alberta as an Administrative Secretary for about two years.

“I stopped taking my medication in 1990 and became ill and in trouble with the law again, same thing, a delusion that someone was trying to control me. I was again admitted to the forensic unit of Alberta Hospital. I was put on a depot injection of Fluanxol, which worked wonderfully, and I obtained long term disability from my job at the U of A for two years, although I worked most of that time at temporary clerical jobs. My children by that time were older and looked after things at home for me.

“The last time I was hospitalized was in 1990. I worked three temporary clerical jobs after that until I was hired permanently and full-time by an Oral Pathologist, for whom I worked for eight years until he retired. I then started my own medical transcription business at the suggestion of a co-worker.

“My employers all have been wonderful, almost without exception, and did make allowances for the fact that often I'd be late for work or miss days. I did try to make it up and was a good employee. But still, I had wonderful and understanding employers.”

Did you take a break from work after being diagnosed?

“I was diagnosed while I was in the forensic unit of Alberta Hospital. I wasn't working at the time as I was a student at the University of Alberta trying to obtain my Master's as a special student. I took only a few classes and then had to quit. After that, during the 1980s, I took several classes at night school in Psychology at the University of Alberta, but did not finish a psychology degree.

I took various other classes since then including computer classes, a creative writing class, an art class, music lessons, Pitman shorthand, and marketing classes at NAIT fairly recently. I also took a few one-on-one classes to learn the Japanese language in 2011, but found it was too time consuming. I also go to a gym, am trying to learn to swim, and am interested in yoga and karate. I take karate lessons at Panther Gym here in Edmonton, and use their weight room as well. I've recently hired a lifestyle coach from Panther Gym to help with diet and exercise.

What inspired you to start your own company? Could you tell us a bit about your business?

“I thought when my boss retired in 1999 that I was too mature to look for another job, and I didn't feel like being in the job market again. A co-worker suggested that I start my own company. I started slowly as my boss began to work part-time, and I worked part-time for him and also started my business. I'm a medical transcriptionist and have a secure server which my son set up and maintains. I do almost exclusively digital files and have a paperless office.

“It took approximately five years to get on my feet. I worked part-time at unrelated positions such as retail and receptionist to support myself while my business was getting off the ground. It's a home-based business. I have associates I refer to who also work from home.

I'm a sole proprietorship, and make a living with the help of Old Age Security and Canada Pension Plan payments since I turned 65 and 60 respectively. I don't own a vehicle and rent a very nice little studio suite in a high rise in the Oliver district of Edmonton. I live simply. I had a listing in the Yellow Pages under “Secretarial Services” but get most of my work from word of mouth."

Could you tell us a bit about your staff?

“I don't have any staff. I work from home by myself. My associates are like me, transcriptionists who work from home, to whom I refer if I have too much work for me to do in a reasonable time frame.”

Did your business ever allow you to be self-supporting?

“My business has always allowed me to be self-supporting as I supplemented it at first with part-time employment out of the home for a day or two a week. I have always been self-supporting except for a year or two when I was on disability pension from the U of A position when I became so ill in 1990. Even then I didn't get full pension because I was working part-time. Now as a senior I receive CPP and Old Age Security, which helps a lot to make up the modest income I receive as a writer and transcriptionist.”

Could you tell us a bit about your hobbies?

“I'm a published writer and want eventually to make a living as a writer, but it is also a hobby. Writing poetry, drawing caricatures, making my own greeting cards for personal use, fitness such as karate and gym, walking, learning to play the acoustic guitar, studying Japanese language and culture, writing novels, short stories, and articles, I subscribed to an on-line weight loss site called Anne Collins and was active there and at church. I volunteered several hours a week.”

What advice would you give other people struggling with a mental illness who want to be entrepreneurs?

“Believe in yourself, know it will be a struggle and a lot of work, be prepared to supplement your income with outside work for the first two to five years, be prepared for a lot of work, perseverance, discipline, also choose something you love and have fun with it! Get out of the house every day, go for a walk, clear your head, and - have fun! Work hard, long hours, networking with people is very important, be sure and get a business license and a good accountant, meet deadlines before they're due if possible.

“I enjoy the freedom and independence but remember nobody gives you a vacation or sick time, and you only get paid for the hours you actually work.

“This is the same advice I give to anybody else. Except maybe choose hours that would be compatible with side effects you might experience from medications, such as sedation. Let people know up front that you have a disability if you view it as a disability, but don't focus on your illness. Remember you are competing with yourself most of all, and your success depends on how hard you work and how smart you work.

“Start small, don't give up any pensions right away or part-time work, but start part-time, and have a good and realistic plan in place. Be realistic about your strengths and liabilities and work them into your business plan. Don't go over your head financially. I did that and regretted it.

“Choose something you love to do, perhaps a hobby, be innovative, think out of the box. Take some courses but get your feet wet at the same time. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do what anyone else can do. Because you can.

When asked her philosophy of life?

“Do what you love. And do it with passion and hope. And never give up. Giving up is not an option.”

Kenna penned a few verses to celebrate her freedom after being released from the psychiatric hospital in 1990. She had an empty nest, later mourned, but at the time she felt exultant to live alone without the almost constant presence of inmates and staff. She had gone for long walks alone in the grounds of the hospital when she could. Now she left her rented townhouse and moved across the street to an apartment complex where she eagerly rented a suite on the main floor. She was to stay here for the next five years.

Her daughter cross stitched a pretty card to celebrate with her. “Happy housewarming! I hope you enjoy your freedom in your very own place.” Kenna still has this card. She is grateful to her son as well for his care and concern while she was acutely ill.

“A room of one's own,” said Woolf. She was right.

I did not understand before.

Four spacious rooms, a window bright

And I can close the door.

A view of grass and trees outside

My very own a chair to sit

The moon at night the sky will ride

I write and see the shadows flit.

No one else cooks on my stove

Nor decorates my rooms for me

And I entertain with love

And love fine company.

A lamp, a bed, a table there

My place is fine, and slowly grows

I fill my life with love and care

And from my heart this song arose.

- Kenna McKinnon, September 9, 1990

The verses are rough. The sentiment is joy. Panther, her tuxedo cat, was to join her as her loving feline companion for a few years until he mysteriously disappeared out the patio doors one fine June morning, perhaps to catch a moving truck. Kenna met this cat, her best friend, in 1992 and they later shared another friend's charming gingerbread 100-year-old house for the next eight years.

Again, the allure of “a room of one's own” beckoned and Kenna moved to the Oliver area of downtown Edmonton where she still resides. The decades spent healing in the 1990s and during the Millennium so far have been a time of adventure and discovery, pain and occasional depression, old delusions resurfacing at times, but steady progress to a brighter future.